Decisions, Decisions ...

Looking for Answers

Where do I find them? I think--no, I know. I've been looking for "acceptance" in all the wrong places. I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, too--outside myself. What am I going to do about it? Well, I think I will get to work. I have some planning to do and along with that, a commitment to who I am and what I do.
     What is it that I do? I'm a communicator and philosopher, someone who looks at this world and try to see through the strains of existence. When I was a little girl, I wanted to feel safe. One of my earliest memories is of me getting into the back of a beige and black car. My grandmother is outside the door and she's asking, "P.K., don't you want to stay with me." I remember trying to get out of the car rather than replying. I could not get the door open and with a few giggles from the adults, I was driven away. I know now that I was being driven away from the one place of safety, the one place I knew into the unknown. This moment in life was, I believe, my first hurt and my first decision that didn't go my way.
     "Don't you want to stay with me?" My decision was immediate--to tug at the door handle and get out of the car and run to my grandmother. Instead I was forced to accept the will of someone else. At 3 or 4, I had no power and I sometimes think it was a cruel question to have asked a youngster. Of course I wanted to stay. She had raised me, taken care of me, feed me and loved me well. She was my anchor, only I could not have communicated that. Still, I feel it in the misty vapors of yesterday--not as potent, but still a time that leaves me bereft.
     Some say that there is a time to let go of the past. As one minister explained to me recently, we are promised this day--we ask for this day--because this day is really all there is. But, there is no way to get the answers one seeks until they take a good, hard look at the past. Then after they do, they must write it on the pages of their life's story--chronicle it and get up and start living the day.
     Decision, decisions--they bombard our waking and even in our slumber. During the day, it is what will inspire you, motivate you, and impact you? What will have the most sway? The negative or the positive? The real or the fantasy? In my slumber, I leap tall buildings in a single bound and not let my dreams destroy what I've built during the day with doubt or fear.
     All in all, there is a marking of time and these days it should be about not wasting them. Don't just sit there and brood--although a good brood can help erase some of the anxiety. Just don't sit there too long. In the meantime, remember to pray and meditate--for me writing it down is my way of praying. I use the momentum of my fingers to push the spirit through my fogged brain and viola, I've connected with my inner core--that part of me that knows I will fulfill my destiny. I am making decisions after all, even when I decide not to do anything. Repercussions reverberate throughout the days we live, so know that. Deal with it. Then make your decisions count.
     Peace.